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why, hello.

It’s been a while. When I’d read my last doodle on here, I realized that it was “only” in January. Things were so different then. It just doesn’t seem that way on the surface, it never does.

I’ve decided to give French another go. This time, with iTalki & Duolingo. And perhaps because work is being a bit frustrating at the moment, I find myself wanting to tweak a number of different features of both platforms. That’s the sad thing about being a maker, the things that give the most pleasure involve getting in there and playing with it.

So iTalki & DuoLingo, if you’re listening. Would you mind opening up some APIs for me to play with?

Posted in Everything else.

There Was A Time

Someone called.

It was surprising to hear from him and even more surprising was my total lack of feeling.

No anger.
No sadness.
No nostalgia.
Nothing.

Even when I try to think of the best of times, nothing. It’s a bit odd really. I’d told someone this and she asked me if I was ok.

Yep, I’ve very much ok.

There was a time when I could not imagine a life without him, and now, I can’t imagine a life with him.

Posted in Everything else.

Since As Long As I’ve Known You

I waited, strangely nervous, sitting at the bar.

6:39… late…

T walked in beaming.

“How the hell do you still look exactly as you did when we were 11?”, I asked.

Then, as I tucked wisps of my hair behind my ears, she laughed, reached out, tucked my hair behind my ears for me, and said,”You’ve done that as long as I’ve known you!”

30 years, we see each other perhaps every 8-10 years since we were tweens and teens, but somehow, in the few hours that we manage to spend together, it’s as if there was no lapse.

Of the things that I treasure, my 3 close girlfriends from age 11-16 are easily on the top of that list. Never before or since, have I ever felt such kinship. Those girls got me through puberty, marriage, divorce, family drama.

I never would have imagined that this tiny gesture would be so heartwarming, and yet, it was.

Posted in Everything else.

Please Visit

Thursday, 5:32 pm. Me, becoming more and more agitated. LN wondering why on earth it was such a big deal. “It’s only 5:32, it’s not due until midnight tomorrow, I’d thought?” she’d asked kindly. “yes yes”, I’d responded, “But AP is coming in from London and I don’t want her waiting for me out in the cold!”

AP is one of those dear friends who everyone loves. If you don’t love her immediately, clearly, it’s you. She’s gorgeous, inside and out and for the first time in our friendship, she was coming to visit me, instead of me visiting her. Actually, I hired her to shoot a few things for me, she’s a brilliant photographer.

It was a whirlwind weekend. 2 deadlines, 1 big deal party, and AP shot all day Friday, I’m not sure how she was even standing by the end of it. On Saturday, we got a chance to sit, drink, eat, and commiserate. And on Sunday, more of it, but this time, at a spa.

It was a lovely girls’ weekend. We packed a lot in. And then today, I dropped her off at the airport, sped home, back to my flat, and back to my life, now lacking deadlines, and lacking that dear close friend.

I’ve come to realise that my most of my most favourite people live far away and luckily, because I live in New York now, people are always wanting to visit so I get to see them more frequently without traveling. Ironic, right? since I’ve loved the travel portion for so long. But now, I’m nesting, settling in, not settling, and making a go of it.

Hopefully I’ll continue to meet more people like AP but I can’t help but miss her, and all of my other friends spread across other states and lands. And even when we never see each other, they each hold a special place in my heart.

I just ask of them to please visit, and stay awhile.

Posted in Everything else.

If Tomorrow Was The Last Day, What Would You Do?

Would you argue?
Would you fight?
Would you keep score?
Or just hold someone dear and tight?

I think this frequently, in the middle of something, anything. I thought this tonight, as I listened to someone try to weigh choices presented to him.

“But what do you LOVE?”, I asked him.

“I don’t know”, he’d answered.

I felt sad then for a moment, for his not knowing, and meeting so many more who don’t know. Just that seemingly simple, yet fleeting thing. What really, do each of us love? And how do we ever get it?

He was just someone I’d met, fleeting, over a wonderful dinner. The woman to my right, we connected immediately. And neither of us, wanting to monopolize each other, mingled with others. At the end of the evening, she gave me her card and said,”It was instant, you and I”. And I had to agree. I had felt it too.

It’s rare, that connection. And sometimes it’s for an instant. Others, it’s for a lifetime. But we never know, until we give it a shot.

Posted in Everything else.

Past

Every now and then I think of him.

Our projected lives. In Sweden, with children. I remember when he had looked me in the eyes and told me that he wanted to have babies with me. That I’d be a great mom. It was one of the happiest moments, ever.

I’ve been in love before but this, this was… no words can describe.

So how did I move on from the guy of my dreams? Well, none of us are perfect. And well, our combination was far from it. But of course, it’s the imperfections that make us special, and human, and oh so lovable. Or at least I am telling myself that. That it’s what I am looking for, not perfection, but the full tapestry of our history and baggage and love and the whole messy lot.

And afterwards, and so soon afterwards, I had let myself care for someone else, almost an unthinkable matter.

And now, so long afterwards, looking back and being grateful for both experiences. The fairytale, which I was so in love with, perhaps as much as the guy – so amazing in so many ways, and so not in so many others. And the unexpected surprise of someone else, so mismatched but still a union that had shown me that perhaps what I want and what I need may not be the same.

I think of this at times, when I’m happy, and hope that they too are happy because I loved them, and want the best for them. And I know that I am not that now, or perhaps ever.

But there were moments when I was, and we were, and it was marvelous and wonderful. And regardless of the end, there was a purity in those moments.

Posted in Everything else.

Thanksgiving

I woke up after 14 hours of sleep. My body needed it.

I like having Thanksgiving as a day to reflect and to spend with family and if there is a significant other, then also with him.

This year was no different with the exception of one thing. D and I have had a back and forth come here go away relationship for a couple of months. The eve of Thanksgiving, after not hearing from him for a full week, I broke down and called. The chat went particularly well, with him telling me that he’d call me for Thanksgiving, towards the evening.

He didn’t.

Instead, he’d sent a short txt message telling me that he had gotten to his destination safely, was tired, and hoped that I was having a good one with my family. When I tried calling him late later in the evening, he didn’t pick up.

And it was in that moment that I felt I was done. That nothing would get this back on track.

My birthday is in roughly two weeks, with christmas and new year’s following. December is always a stressful time for me and one where I was looking forward to spending with D. Instead, I’ll be falling back on my pillow of friends, gathering up the little pieces, and moving onwards. With L, I never would have given it up a moment earlier. With D, I just wonder if I should have gone with my initial gut feeling and just kept things friendly. I’ll never know but I’m ready for something real.

Posted in Everything else.

Shifting of the Seasons

Summer has given way to fall here in New Yawk. Oh! how I love it. An opportunity to snuggle up under massive amounts of duvets and blankets, and Sept 15th, well that was the anniversary I believe of my arrival in London. Fall for me is always a chance at rebirth.

And it was again this year. I had met someone back in July but was unable to let him in. My heart and mind were still making the completion and tying up those loose ends of the previous relationship. And so, after a bit of flirtation, I was faced with a decision. Do I continue this, or end it? My heart was not healed so I decided to end it before it really began.

In the weeks that followed, I missed him. I missed the little frown that he’d have on his face when he didn’t really agree or like something but wouldn’t say it, I missed the laughter in his eyes when he found something particularly amusing, I missed his views on design, I missed his friends, who I’d met briefly but had always felt a small sadness when the evening would end, I missed the smell of him, and then when the hurricane happened, I worried about how he was doing, if he was ok.

I guess that’s when I knew I was over L, that in the moment of some impending natural disaster, I no longer wanted to run to him, to reach out to him.

I emailed D to see if he was ok. The email turned into a phone call which turned into a visit which turned into dinner which turned into an honest talk about where I was emotionally, how I could only offer friendship at that time, and perhaps forever, how I wanted to be fair to his feelings and not lead him on.

He was calm and collected, and shared a few things and told me that there was no pressure, that he would be happy with being just friends because he simply wanted to get to know me better.

And in that moment, I’d felt as safe as I’ve felt in a long time. My heart opened, and for the first time, I was able to see the man who sat in front of me for who he is. And in that moment, I started to fall for him.

Yesterday we had our first, and it was so awful that it might be the last, fight. I walked away from it shaken and confused. But because I just survived one massive heartache, I know that I can survive others. But I keep wondering, when will I meet him? The one who I can share this next chunk of my life with?

Posted in Everything else.

the groove

Sitting at ‘home’, and just got some fantastic news.

It’s the kind of thing where if I was in a relationship right now, I wouldn’t take advantage of it the way that I intend to, now that I’m single again.

I can’t talk about it just yet but let’s just say there are some pretty exciting things developing.

Yep, time to get the groove back on. See you out there.

Posted in Everything else.

happy anniversary

A year ago I delayed a date by yet another 1/2 hr. I was hesitant to go. L and I had swapped emails lightly over the course of over a month. My life was pretty insane then. More than a full time job, I was in a full time job where I’d poured my little heart into, and where the travel was nothing short of epic. London, Italy, Japan, and… Detroit. There was a lot of Detroit.

I was also looking for a home, a place to put down some roots after living abroad so so long. And while I loved many moments of it, I always felt just a little sad when I would come home to see that my parents were a bit more aged, that my friends’ children had grown that much more. And here I was, Auntie M, sill galavanting around the world.

And travel, travel had gotten old. It wasn’t fun anymore. I’d become jaded from having spent over 10 years on the road and I needed a break. I needed a home. And on July 27th, I got that home, a teeny tiny gem in the heart of Brooklyn. It was all mine. So I’d thought.

The same night, a colleague had leaving drinks. I attended and then excused myself, not wanting to be even tardier than I already was. If I had to be honest with myself, I would admit that i had hoped that perhaps he’d say, let’s reschedule because I was obviously pushing things back, pushing him away, before i’d even met him. I’d just gotten my feet again. I was barely even moved in and wanted to sort my life out first.

As I left David heckled me a bit, “where are you going? we just started!” he’d said. “Oh, I have a thing to go to…”, and my voice trailed off a bit, a little embarrassed that I was going off on a blind date. “Aha! a date!”, he’d exclaimed with a small smile. “Oh, I don’t have any expectations…”, I’d said. He looked at me earnestly, and said, “Hey, this could be the one.”

I thought nothing of it and then I met L.

It was easily one of the best dates I’ve ever been on, and then over the course of the following months, I fell head over heels. Somehow, I’d let him in, and L helped make my flat our home. He belonged here. And it was hard, it was so very very hard.

That was a year ago. And although we are no longer together, I still think of him, not of what could have been in the future, but what I would have done differently.

Simon asked me once, as I was sobbing over dinner in an upscale restaurant in SOHO, “well, now that you know what you know now, don’t you think that you should have ended it sooner?”. In my profession, this is what’s called a “leading question”. The expected response is, “Yes, I should have run screaming knowing what I know now.” (And for the record, don’t ask leading questions!)

That however, was not my answer. And I hope it would never be my answer. Knowing what I know now, and knowing that our time was limited, and would eventually come to an end, I hope I would have walked away from the arguing. I would have insisted on having more alone time, so we could both continue growing and developing as individuals, so we can each still get the things done that needed to be done. I would have insisted that he see his friends more so I too could see my friends more. I would have curled up and enjoyed more of those moments.

I would never have given up even one moment less.

And it makes me think this, regardless of how things turn out, isn’t the way that we get there as important? And something that I have been telling my friends who are frustrated in their relationships… if you knew that tomorrow, next week, next month would be the last time that you would ever see your partner, be with him or her, how would you spend your time now? And if you don’t care that you would never see them again, then perhaps this is the time to end it. But if you do care, then perhaps take the time to just enjoy each other, pretend that it’s the last time you’ll ever see them and love them with all your heart with no expectations of anything in return.

The home that was ours, has slowly but surely morphed into one that is mine. A little shoebox. There are a few things that have permanence, things that have started to fall into the backdrop with use. But every now and then, I still see it for the first time, and it still evokes a memory or two.

Posted in Everything else, Love.