A year ago I delayed a date by yet another 1/2 hr. I was hesitant to go. L and I had swapped emails lightly over the course of over a month. My life was pretty insane then. More than a full time job, I was in a full time job where I’d poured my little heart into, and where the travel was nothing short of epic. London, Italy, Japan, and… Detroit. There was a lot of Detroit.
I was also looking for a home, a place to put down some roots after living abroad so so long. And while I loved many moments of it, I always felt just a little sad when I would come home to see that my parents were a bit more aged, that my friends’ children had grown that much more. And here I was, Auntie M, sill galavanting around the world.
And travel, travel had gotten old. It wasn’t fun anymore. I’d become jaded from having spent over 10 years on the road and I needed a break. I needed a home. And on July 27th, I got that home, a teeny tiny gem in the heart of Brooklyn. It was all mine. So I’d thought.
The same night, a colleague had leaving drinks. I attended and then excused myself, not wanting to be even tardier than I already was. If I had to be honest with myself, I would admit that i had hoped that perhaps he’d say, let’s reschedule because I was obviously pushing things back, pushing him away, before i’d even met him. I’d just gotten my feet again. I was barely even moved in and wanted to sort my life out first.
As I left David heckled me a bit, “where are you going? we just started!” he’d said. “Oh, I have a thing to go to…”, and my voice trailed off a bit, a little embarrassed that I was going off on a blind date. “Aha! a date!”, he’d exclaimed with a small smile. “Oh, I don’t have any expectations…”, I’d said. He looked at me earnestly, and said, “Hey, this could be the one.”
I thought nothing of it and then I met L.
It was easily one of the best dates I’ve ever been on, and then over the course of the following months, I fell head over heels. Somehow, I’d let him in, and L helped make my flat our home. He belonged here. And it was hard, it was so very very hard.
That was a year ago. And although we are no longer together, I still think of him, not of what could have been in the future, but what I would have done differently.
Simon asked me once, as I was sobbing over dinner in an upscale restaurant in SOHO, “well, now that you know what you know now, don’t you think that you should have ended it sooner?”. In my profession, this is what’s called a “leading question”. The expected response is, “Yes, I should have run screaming knowing what I know now.” (And for the record, don’t ask leading questions!)
That however, was not my answer. And I hope it would never be my answer. Knowing what I know now, and knowing that our time was limited, and would eventually come to an end, I hope I would have walked away from the arguing. I would have insisted on having more alone time, so we could both continue growing and developing as individuals, so we can each still get the things done that needed to be done. I would have insisted that he see his friends more so I too could see my friends more. I would have curled up and enjoyed more of those moments.
I would never have given up even one moment less.
And it makes me think this, regardless of how things turn out, isn’t the way that we get there as important? And something that I have been telling my friends who are frustrated in their relationships… if you knew that tomorrow, next week, next month would be the last time that you would ever see your partner, be with him or her, how would you spend your time now? And if you don’t care that you would never see them again, then perhaps this is the time to end it. But if you do care, then perhaps take the time to just enjoy each other, pretend that it’s the last time you’ll ever see them and love them with all your heart with no expectations of anything in return.
The home that was ours, has slowly but surely morphed into one that is mine. A little shoebox. There are a few things that have permanence, things that have started to fall into the backdrop with use. But every now and then, I still see it for the first time, and it still evokes a memory or two.
