chemistry

I had told A the story.  The story of how we fell in love, and then of how it ended.

It was a while into our chat before she stopped me.  ”Wait, so you were really in LOVE with him?”, she’d said.  ”Yes, head over heels”, I’d answered.

She then asked me how I knew, and I wasn’t able to articulate it.  I just knew.  I knew as clear as day that I loved him, and the moment that I’d fallen in love with him (on a bus in China), and that as much as I wish that I could stop loving him, I don’t, I can only stay away, lick my wounds, and pray that I never see him again.  I simply don’t know that I could survive another round of this.

I told her how in my mind, I still see him, still long for him, and still feel the sting in our last days together.  I told her how the only way I could move on with my life was to grieve and wait for the day when this passes.

I had written that on Feb 8th of this year and had thought that I could never fall in love again.  So what a surprise when I did, only a few months later.  I hadn’t forgotten about U but I had already let him go in my heart and mind when Pf and I were reacquainted.

Pf and I were a repeat, and the second time around was no less sweet.  He’s the only person that I’ve had that instant zing with.  Instant love.  I can’t explain it.  And although it ended traumatically, and I will always want to say goodbye in person, I always re-read one of his last emails, feel heartbroken all over again, silently wish him the best from my heart, and stay away.  I am always amazed that even in times like those, when I’d chosen to end things, that it was still so difficult.  And well, I’d chosen to end things because it became apparent that he wasn’t as into it as I was.  Faced with a glittery job offer from Austin, I was ready to relocate only to discover that he wasn’t ready to pick up the phone to hear the news.  I didn’t know how to deal with that except to break things off.

It also makes me appreciate the exes who have chosen to stay in touch, however lightly.  And my preference is on the light side.  It makes me think of their wives who are so much better for them than I ever would have been, and how happy I am for them, and grateful of the women’s graciousness in accepting me as a friend rather than a foe.

And then the irony that cumulatively, these guys know me better than anyone else on earth.  That in the however many years we’ve parted, they’ve figured me out, and that if we hadn’t parted, perhaps we would never get to this point.  It’s as pure of a friendship as anyone could ever hope for.  And I am so very grateful.

I had hoped that some day, Pf and I can be there as well but whenever I read those soul wrecking emails, I can’t imagine how it would ever come about.  His anger at me seems insurmountable and I recalled the ferocity of his anger towards someone else years after an incident which was much lighter in scale.  So, instead of reaching out to him, I just send good thoughts in that general direction.

Where U was my twin, Pf was my compliment.  Perhaps the right mix is someone in between.