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Shifting of the Seasons

Summer has given way to fall here in New Yawk. Oh! how I love it. An opportunity to snuggle up under massive amounts of duvets and blankets, and Sept 15th, well that was the anniversary I believe of my arrival in London. Fall for me is always a chance at rebirth.

And it was again this year. I had met someone back in July but was unable to let him in. My heart and mind were still making the completion and tying up those loose ends of the previous relationship. And so, after a bit of flirtation, I was faced with a decision. Do I continue this, or end it? My heart was not healed so I decided to end it before it really began.

In the weeks that followed, I missed him. I missed the little frown that he’d have on his face when he didn’t really agree or like something but wouldn’t say it, I missed the laughter in his eyes when he found something particularly amusing, I missed his views on design, I missed his friends, who I’d met briefly but had always felt a small sadness when the evening would end, I missed the smell of him, and then when the hurricane happened, I worried about how he was doing, if he was ok.

I guess that’s when I knew I was over L, that in the moment of some impending natural disaster, I no longer wanted to run to him, to reach out to him.

I emailed D to see if he was ok. The email turned into a phone call which turned into a visit which turned into dinner which turned into an honest talk about where I was emotionally, how I could only offer friendship at that time, and perhaps forever, how I wanted to be fair to his feelings and not lead him on.

He was calm and collected, and shared a few things and told me that there was no pressure, that he would be happy with being just friends because he simply wanted to get to know me better.

And in that moment, I’d felt as safe as I’ve felt in a long time. My heart opened, and for the first time, I was able to see the man who sat in front of me for who he is. And in that moment, I started to fall for him.

Yesterday we had our first, and it was so awful that it might be the last, fight. I walked away from it shaken and confused. But because I just survived one massive heartache, I know that I can survive others. But I keep wondering, when will I meet him? The one who I can share this next chunk of my life with?

Posted in Everything else.

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