Now that I’m single again, friends sometimes set me up on blind dates.  I’m always up for meeting new people even when I wasn’t single, so it’s no surprise when I agree to meet people now that I am single.

The first time back “out there” is always interesting.  A lot of it is quite simple.  For me, I don’t particularly want to date anyone right now, my heart is still with one person, I need to get over that loss before I can really move on.  I’m sure that until this fades or I die there isn’t a whole lot of room in my heart for romance.  But who knows, my heart has surprised me before.

But this one, this was not it.  It couldn’t end quickly enough.  Within 20 minutes, my blind date had managed to tell me all about the close relationship that he had with his mother (he’s 45), the “crazy” women he’s dated, and the “horrible” women that he’s met recently.  Wow, bitter much?

10 more minutes into his rant, he’d stopped mid sentence to ask me what my dating experiences had been like.   I had simply told him that I was married once, we were young, and even though it’s been many years since we’ve split up, we’re still good friends.

Then I wished him well and we went our separate ways.

Love is a funny thing, as is chemistry.  It can’t be forced which is why the handful of times I’d felt it, I’ve been so equally afraid of it, and once I overcame the fear, was willing to fight for it.  It’s just a shame that sometimes, by the time I’m willing to fight for it, it’s just too late.  I hope that some day I’ll meet that one who believes in the connection as much as I do, and will slug it out with me.  Until then, I just have to remind myself not to settle for anything less than that rapture of love.  I don’t care if it makes me a silly girl, I still believe in love.  I hope I always do.

“There are just a few moments in my life when I’m with someone, see the rest of my days with them, and am so excited about it that I want it to start as soon as possible.”

I was talking to one of my oldest dearest friends and this was something that he had said, and something that I had understood immediately.

“Yeah, it’s amazing how scared people get of the long term relationship, people who have never seen the benefits and how good it can be”, I’d said.

We’ve both been there before.  He just got out of a 16 year relationship and similar to myself, although he was the one to end things, he was still heartbroken over it.  He had given it many chances over the course of many years, and it was when things consistently didn’t get better that he’d ended things.  For me, I gave it less of a chance, I’d ended things quickly, had regretted it, and then when the other party reacted very poorly, regretted it less.

For the few that I’d thought I had a future with and it didn’t work out as “the one” but worked out as friends, I’m grateful.  Grateful to have the chance to see them be happy with other people who are much better for them than I ever could have been, grateful that they are still a part of my life, and grateful that they were willing to slosh through the really bad times to trust that it would get better sooner or later.  Thanks guys.  I’m so glad that we had it in us to make it through and so happy that our friendship superceeded everything else, that warms my heart the most.

Years ago I lived in PDX.  Well, my _stuff_ was in PDX but I really lived in Singapore for a large chunk of that time.  I moved there for a boy.  It didn’t work out as my items were literally being loaded onto the moving truck from New York.  I still remember the call.

I guess he didn’t expect me to move out anyway because I didn’t know anyone there.  And my very portable job left me with no colleagues.  Essentially, I’d have to start over.

So I did.

I’ve done that several more times.  And each time, I got a little more ballsy.  CA, knowing few people but with a job.  London, no job, no friends, but a design program.  China, no job, no friends, no nothing, not even the language.  China just about broke me.

I explored going back to SFO, and then decided on NYC.  I wanted to rebuild my relationship with my parents.  The dream of being back in NY, work opportunities, and serious family illness kept me in NY.

But now I’m in this other town.  And this other town has a feeling that is so super familiar to Portland, OR.  Lots of runners (and now, I’m actually one of them!), smartish people,a quirky feel,  decent food, a studio where I could potentially work from, affordable living (to some extent), great music scene (that I could afford!), Fry’s (hey, don’t judge!  ).  But unlike Portland, it also has a great Chinese community.  I had found a group to practice PuTongHua with (something that I still struggle to find in NYC).  Fantastic authentic Chinese restaurants and supermarkets.  More sunlight.

Hmm, it does make me think…

It had been years since I’ve live in the NY metro area.  And after 3+ years of roaming around the world, meeting some of the most fantastic people ever, and sadly, a few of the most horrible people ever, I’d decided to head back to the place that I’d always thought of as home.

Oh but wait, someone up there always has a bit of a warped sense of humour.  After I’d had everything set, there were a number of detours to a place in the middle of just about no where.  And the reasons behind them were great enough to make me believe that this would be my very last holiday season in NYC for at least a few years.

So of course I wanted to celebrate it in high style.

I grew up with my folks taking me to the Rockettes, Rockerfeller Centre to see the tree, and Saks to check out the windows for every Christmas.  It was a real treat.  In my mind, that always equaled Christmas.

So after being away from NY for 11 years, I was excited to spend at least one holiday season here.  I doubly lucked out in having a client who was located 2 blocks away from all the fan fare.

But here’s the truth.  No matter what happens, and how wonderful New York has been to me, I’ve come to realise that I really couldn’t come home.

Everything is the same, and yet different.  Everyone has grown up.  It’s almost as if I’ve been in a time bubble.  I have to make new friends (sigh, again).  I’d forgotten how annoying the holiday tourists are.  I’d forgotten how much I hate the cold.  How much I love the outdoors.  How packed the museums are ALL THE TIME.  How expensive the city is.  How my relationship with my parents, as much as I would like it to be one way, will never happen.  How much that breaks my heart.  How it’s a constant reminder when I am so close geographically and yet, nothing I do seems to help.  How lining up what should have been the best surprise in the world can turn out to be one of the greatest disasters in the world.

The best laid plans often go awry and this one was a real doozy.

But wait…wait!  Like all the other tales of my adventures, my fall from grace was caught by friends who have stood by me through the thick and thin.  An old dear friend booked a babysitter to spend a precious hours with me for my birthday and listened kindly as I poured my heart out to her.  My favorite family flew in from the Bay Area to celebrate Christmas with my parents and I.  Jake + his wife were in town post Christmas.  Another close friend helped ring in the New Year in style and part of the way through our meal, leaned over and said one of the sweetest things ever,”To old friends, I’ve really enjoyed all of our meals together”.

And I guess that was when I was reminded of it again.  My true friends are always here for me, even when we are not geographically close.  I do miss them an awful lot though.  For whatever reason, being in NYC for the holidays just reminded me of that.

That’s it, I’ve decided, NYC for my birthday and Thanksgiving only.  Christmas and New Years shall be spent elsewhere from here on out.  Glad to have had one season here again to close out the chapter.

JW + I were sitting on the subway heading to our respective homes.  We had just wrapped up work.  I had just broken things off.  It was 1am.

I had told him what happened.  How I had lost hope, how after a particularly difficult visit, and then trying to recover from it, there was no reaching who I’d wanted to reach, with the stress of my family, the stress of work, the lack of sleep, and feeling undervalued and under appreciated, I’d thrown in the towel.

He sat and listened.  And because he’s a guy, he gave advice.  And because I knew I was talking to a guy, I listened.  Then there was a long but not awkward silence.  We each sat there with our thoughts.

It’s the NYC subway.  Holiday season.  Performance artist arrives in our car and started belting out “Stand By Me”.  JW looks at me + sings along.  I put my head on his shoulder for a few minutes and sing softly too.

For a few minutes, I relax + take in the moment.  Old friends, great moments.